Healing Heart Humor Section:
Laughter as medicine...
70 year-old Mrs Potts went to the doctor for her annual check up.
He told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor, "Please, tell my husband." The doctor went out to the waiting room and told Mr Potts that his wife needed to have sex three times a week. The eighty-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" "How about Monday, Wednesday, and Friday?" replied the doctor "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday," the man said, "but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport.
After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH MY GOD!" ----
Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Economy section yelled "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
Baby boomers hit retirement age. What can you do to stay active?
"Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in Lake street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a Cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. >So I called him a piece of dog turd.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a shit. I came into town by bus. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age."...........
Two Doctors open an Office
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down, again. Then came "Manic depressives and Anal Retentives." Still not good. How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again. So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," or "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council: Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends." It was passed.
The Dear Dad Letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,"Dad.". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, John
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report card that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home. "
Sex at the doctors
An old couple go to a doctor and ask him to watch them have sex and tell if he see's them doing anything wrong. So they have sex. While they are getting dressed the doctor said, "Well I don't see anything wrong!"
A week later they come again and ask the doctor to watch to see if they are doing anything wrong. They have sex and the doctor says, "Well again, I don't see anything wrong." This goes on for weeks. Then the doctor asks why they keep coming.
The guy said: "If we go to her house her husband will catch us. If we go to my house my wife will catch us. A hotel costs fifty dollars. Here it's thirty-five dollars and medicare pays half."
Article by Robert Kendall